by Rion Kweller, Ph.D.
Here we go again, careening towards another holiday season. With all the joy and anticipation there is a bit of anxiety too. For all the warmth of family times, things never quite go exactly as planned.
In some families everyone gets along reasonably well. People bustle about and look forward to entertaining and traveling here and there. In fact, many families are like this. In other families, though, the reality is somewhat more complicated. In some families not everyone likes everyone else. Old family issues, which may have been largely quiet since last November and December, reappear. The tensions and anxieties that may have been quieted with the last guest leaving last year arrive again with the pierogies, latkes, or Christmas ham.
When Grandmother not only dislikes her son’s new girlfriend, but threatens to boycott Christmas dinner if the girlfriend attends, is this blackmail or a legitimate concern needing patience and compromise? Who knows? These situations may generate so much stress as to develop a migraine or start an anxiety attack. If only there was a family Zamboni machine to smooth the ice and get the bothersome slush off to the side. Think of the following suggestions as ways to skate without falling on bumpy ice.
Stay calm. Meltdowns are not attractive and tend to put others on edge. Try counting to three before responding. As much as possible reduce sarcasm and a sharp tone, even if provoked. Everyone may be feeling the pressure or anxiety. Acknowledge the feeling and ask for cooperation. Pleading or bribing is sometimes effective too.
Control the chaos. Unless the household runs as a total “come as you are” home, planning ahead, assigning tasks, and setting deadlines help keep things on track. The turkey goes in at 10 am. The table needs to be set by four. Control what can be controlled and let the rest go. Over-control is a losing strategy. The troops usually rebel and mutiny ensues, and some help is better than no help at all.
Set realistic expectations. Planning a sit-down dinner for twenty-five and getting the cooking started after work the night of the gathering? Not possible. But even in less extreme examples, aiming for perfection is a set-up for disappointment. Balancing the duties of host/hostess or guest with finding time to enjoy the family and friends, and the sounds, sights, and smells of the season will surely settle one’s nerves.
Survive the season. For those who do get overwhelmed or cannot put troubling family issues aside, the holiday season does come to a close. Try to find something to enjoy. Maybe there is a favorite book or movie to revisit. Maybe an out-of-town friend is available for a chat. Maybe the dog or cat need some attention, or a toddler would like to be read to. Make the season meet your needs.
In the end, we all survive the season. It goes more easily by staying positive. Give it your best.
About the Author:
Rion Kweller is an Executive Coach and Licensed Psychologist in Williamsville, NY. His web-sites are www.iplanforsuccess.com and bhn.org. To reach Dr. Kweller call 716 634-1184 or e-mail him at rion@iplanforsuccess.com.
