by Roseann J. Moran, Esq.
Given the divorce rates in this country the increasing number of blended families in our communities is not surprising. A blended family involves two parents who each have their own children. Not only have these children suffered the loss of their family unit, but they must also learn a new set of rules, priorities and values presented by the other parent.
Biological families vary in structure, but most have similar values, priorities and methods of discipline. Mixing parenting styles, personalities and ages, the pain of divorce and challenge of new living environments is stressful. While there is no one size fits all solution for successful blended families, there are a few things to consider.
First, don’t force your children to form an immediate bond with your new partner. Relationships take time, and most children adapt. It’s important for your new partner to show be caring and respectful of the situation, including your ex. Forcing relationships leads to guilt and potential rebellion, especially with teenagers. Refrain from forcing “family time” or “talking-up” your new partner. Avoid having your partner assume a primary parenting role too quickly. Let the relationship evolve naturally. This can be difficult, especially if you harbor anger or resentment toward your ex. Pointing out how nice, smart or funny your new partner is compared to the other parent is a mistake.
Second, discuss how you plan on disciplining each other’s children with your new spouse. Time and time again I hear that one parent is stricter than the other, which leads to complications. Often new stepfathers believe their wife’s children are spoiled and compensate by being stricter, which ends up backfiring. This is something that needs to be developed over time. If you are not comfortable with the parenting style of your partner, put off marriage until you can work on those issues.
Third, make sure you are mature enough to handle the involvement of an ex-spouse. You will be and should be third in line after both parents. Are you mature enough to handle that position? You need to be there when necessary and think of yourself as a reliable backup. Assuming that role will ultimately be appreciated by both the ex-spouse and the children.
Finally, let your mantra be love, understanding and forgiveness for yourself, your new spouse and all the children. Repeat this mantra daily, and remember that some days will be better than others! They say it takes five years for a stepfamily to feel fully blended but implementing some of these things can make the five years a little easier.
About the Author:
Roseanne J. Moran, Esq. is an attorney with extensive experience in estate planning for blended families. She focuses on estate planning, wills, health care proxies and powers of attorney, real estate law, corporate and business law, and budget counseling for couples or individuals. Roseanne is located at 4476 Main Street, Suite 120, Amherst, NY 14226. To schedule an appointment, call 716-832-0978 or email Roseanne66law@gmail.com and evening and weekend appointments are available.
