by Wendy Pegan, LMHC, CCMHC
When clients are struggling with their primary love relationship, they often ask, “Should I stay or leave? This relationship isn’t working. My partner is never going to change.” When I ask what they had expected from their partners, most respond, “Not this!”
Well, what then? Most of us know what we don’t want. But discovering what we do want takes more thought. Often, we don’t take the time, patience, and effort required to learn what that is. After all, patience is difficult in a world where instant gratification is the norm.
How often do we expect our partner to change without asking ourselves, “What could I do to help my partner have a better day?” How often do you ask, “How do you think we’re doing? Is there anything I can adjust so we can work better?” In essence, how can I serve you today? When I begin seeing a new client, the focus is usually, “What are you doing to please me?” Instead of, “How can I please you?”
I have always embraced spiritual teachings, so when my own relationships fell short of my expectations, I found myself pouring through books for answers. Having an extensive education made me think that I should be handling all of my own relationships perfectly. Surely I must have missed something crucial in my clinical education? Rabbi Abraham Heschel states, “The higher goal of spiritual living is not to amass a wealth of information, but in the facing of sacred moments.”
One client told me she expected the ultimate relationship, but when I pressed her on what that meant to her so she could let her partner in on it, she couldn’t tell me. What she could tell me was everything that was wrong with him and the relationship. We cling to all the bad memories and assume they will keep happening, giving our partner no opportunity to make it right. Then, when we raise the hand that says, “Stop trying, I’m done with you,” we remove the opportunity for both partners to learn from difficult times and work toward making them better. We haven’t faced the ‘sacred moment.’
Preparing for a partner takes work. Partners don’t come prepackaged in perfect condition. They come with wounds, fears, and warts. They lose their hair, get wrinkled, and saggy. They lose their hearing, sight, smell, and taste. But we must learn to love what we see inside. If couples can work at the things that make us alive, discuss fears, what-ifs, and learn how to support one another’s hopes and dreams, we wouldn’t be asking, “What are you doing to please me?” But that takes time – sometimes years.
If you have someone who is willing to work on these things, open up, listen to how you feel and discuss with you ways to adjust, then you already have the ultimate relationship! Sacred moments open the doors into the life we already have. It will only get better.
About the Author:
Wendy Pegan is a Licensed Counselor, Mediator, Relationship Coach and founder of Creative Relationship Center. She assists in communication skills, runs Couples College and Relationship University, and mediates peaceful settlements without court involvement for individuals, small and family businesses. Learn more at www.creativerelationshipcenter.com. To schedule an appointment, call 716-446-9226.
